This topic is close to my heart because years back, it was a struggle for me.

In my journey of personal development, one of the things I intentionally had to learn was becoming a better listener.

You’ve probably read this in one of my blog posts, but I used to zone off when someone was speaking to me. Sometimes I couldn’t remember what the other person was saying. Child! It was bad.

I would literally speak to myself into paying attention to someone.

If you are anywhere close to where I was, this post dear learner is dedicated to you.

It takes discipline and commitment for any habit to stick and listening is no exception.

I have compiled a list of things that have helped me, that you can start doing today to become a better listener.

 

Here we go!

 

 

1. Be Present:

 

People love it when they feel heard. I know that for a fact because it bothers me when a person I am talking to is on the phone or doing something else.

That said, the first step in being a better listener is to be fully present. Put aside distractions, such as phones, computers, or other tasks, and give your undivided attention to the speaker.

If there is an emergency, there is no harm in letting the speaker know. Make it clear that you need some five minutes to attend to something and then you can fully concentrate on what they are saying.

 

 

2. Show That You’re Listening:

 

Sometimes it’s true that actions speak louder than words.

When someone talks to you, use nonverbal cues to show you’re engaged.

Nod, maintain eye contact, and lean slightly forward to indicate that you are focused on what the speaker is saying.

Avoid fidgeting or looking in a different direction. It’s such things that cause disconnection in a conversation and the speaker can easily feel disregarded by you.

 

 

3. Keep an Open Mind:

 

Listen without judging the other person or mentally preparing your response. You should be open to new ideas, and try to understand the speaker’s perspective, even if you disagree.

This is the essence of practicing acceptance for others. When you accept others, you acknowledge they might be of a different opinion from you.

Also, it could mean that you are aware that their beliefs are different before you move forward to resolving an issue or helping them see things from a different side.

 

(For my visual learners, here is a video)

 

 

 

 

 

4. Listen to Understand, Not to Reply:

 

Boy, have I been a victim of this! I have had to catch myself sometimes.

Often, people listen with the intent to reply rather than to understand. Focus on grasping the speaker’s point of view, feelings, and intentions.

This approach helps in building a deeper connection and understanding.

I often tell myself that I don’t have to respond and that I should take time first to hear the speaker. It’s not the easiest thing especially if you have a burning point that if not said, you might forget.

 

 

5. Reflect and Clarify:

 

To ensure you’ve understood correctly, reflect back what you’ve heard and ask clarifying questions.

For instance, you could say, “What I’m hearing is…”, or “Do you mean that…?”

I did this exercise with my loved one recently and it was so refreshing. Practice it with your friends and take turns asking clarifying questions.

Afterward, make it a habit. It gives such great assurance to the speaker and they feel heard.

However, you want to do it with moderation, otherwise, it will sound creepy to ask clarifying questions after every two statements!

 

 

6. Don’t interrupt:

 

Interrupting not only disrupts the speaker’s train of thought but also suggests that you value your opinion more than theirs.

Give the speaker their airtime and space. No matter how your opinion nudges to be let out, wait for a natural pause before asking questions or making comments.

Remember that as the speaker is talking, they are processing emotions, and interrupting that can be annoying.

Allow them to let it all out and be on the lookout for the natural pause.

 

 

7. Practice Empathy:

 

Try to empathize with the speaker’s feelings and perspectives.

Understanding where they’re coming from can help you connect on a deeper level and improve the quality of your listening.

This can be cultivated by being intentional with listening. You don’t have to have gone through a similar experience to be empathetic.

 

 

 

 

8. Be Patient:

 

Good listening requires patience. Allow the speaker to express their thoughts fully, even if they take some time to get their point across.

I have worked with teens for a long time and I have realized that, for most of them to open up they have to see that you are not in a hurry.

As you spend quality and quantity time with someone, they become fond of you and begin to trust you.

Bear this in mind whenever someone talks to you. It’s courteous to let them know that you are in a hurry at the onset of your conversation, instead of showing impatience when they start opening up to you.

 

 

9. Give Feedback:

 

Before even proceeding further down this point, I’ll give a disclaimer and say, “Give feedback when it’s needed.”

When given respectfully and at the right time, appropriate feedback can enhance communication.

Let the speaker know you understand their message and constructively provide your thoughts.

It also assures the speaker that you were paying attention and you are thinking about their situation and how to improve it.

Hey, it’s okay if you don’t have any feedback to give yet. Sometimes people are not seeking solutions but just want to be heard.

 

 

10. Learn to Recognize Nonverbal Signals:

 

Much of communication is nonverbal. Paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions can provide additional context to what is being said.

Some verbal cues can communicate anger, shyness, fear doubt, hurry, or even anxiety.

When you note these things from the speaker, it’s easy to ‘manipulate’ the conversation in a way they can feel safe and be at ease to speak.

It’s okay to distract them for a while and once they are calm and comfortable, you can find a way to go back to the meat of the discussion.

 

 

***

 

 

These practices should set you up for success as a better listener. You don’t have to apply them all at once.

Read the mood, of your speaker and see what applies. If they are soft-spoken, you definitely might have to lean forward a bit.

 

It’s such a joy sharing these with you not because I have aced it, but because they have come in handy for me.

 

All the best as you become the best listener, ever!

 

Yay! Go you;)